When angry doesn't even cut it...

by GreyAwareness » Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:15 am

Rage.Those times when I'm so angry I just want to scream at the world and everyone in it, and hit things until they make me feel better. Those times I know I'm angry but can't do a damned thing about it - and cry because the world sucks - and if I wasn't so afraid... dammit!!!

I remember the first time I hit someone. I was 10, and in primary school. A bunch of other girls were surrounding me, taunting me, and calling me names; my vision went weird and I swung my arm out to keep them away - catching the ringleader on the shoulder - I bruised her with a slap.

It was also the time I first found out I was a little bigger and stronger than all of them.

I've always been big - call it fat, whatever ... I'm 5 foot 8 (when I bother to stretch out) and built like a brick outhouse (according to my mother).

Anyhow... the girl bruised and I got in trouble.

That was my trigger point. I couldn't hold my anger in any more after that.Now I "fly off the handle" (apparently) every time someone says something.

I don't remember hitting another person until I was in secondary school (around 15 years old). This kid kept ignoring me when I tried to tell him that a teacher wasn't in the classroom, but he went to look anyway. Looking back I know I was angry because he didn't believe me - I'm not one known for lying about such petty things. So he got bruised too.

Now, because my mother never says anything to her, my TEN YEAR OLD SISTER has started saying and doing things that make me angry - and she KNOWS it hurts me. I'm 25 in a week and a ten year old is bullying me. I feel pathetic and don't want to say anything to mum because I know what she will say. My sister makes me angry, and then she and mum grin at eachother as if to say "that was easy, wasn't it?" What do I do?

I'm on the edge as it is. I have never shown anger towards either of them, or hit them. And this morning, she bursts into my room, talking in a loud voice (I have been ill with flu - it hurts... badly) and starts giving me a list of instructions to do during the day while she is out.

Now, I wouldn't mind if she ASKED. I can never say no to her - ever. There is no two ways about it. I either do what she wants or I'm out on the street with nothing. But asking never hurt anyone right?

So now I'm sitting at the computer, after having finished the tasks she set, and finally getting my head around what she said to me this morning before she left.


"Don't have a mental fit or breakdown while I'm out. Next door is in and you'll make her have one instead. Be silent and everyone will be happy."

Is this a normal thing for a parent to say? Should I just take this as encouragement to calm down before I do something I'll regret?

I'm so angry that she said this to me - I wasn't even angry before she started going on about me having some sort of "mental breakdown" - now I can't seem to stop crying from the anger.

Talking to her is out of the question - she just fobs it off as me being "stupid" - and I don't have anyone else.

There are so many times I wish I could tell her how I feel, but until I leave home (if that ever happens), I'm stuck here, and hate it.

I would go cry myself to sleep if I didn't know she'd yell as soon as she got back. "Gone up to your bed AGAIN, have you?" - and all sorts of other things that make me feel worthless.

Any advice on how to deal with this?
And please don't tell me to talk to her - I just can't.



--- speaking of next door - she's just turned her music up - LOUD... which is just ... rude, dammit.My Search Continues...