Need help with my anger.

by jennifer2604 » Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:48 pm

I have had a problem with managing anger my whole life it seems. I don't know if it means anything, but my family life was not fantastic. My parents were very heavy handed with physical and verbal discipline. My dad was the worst as far as physical, a spanking would leave me crying for hours and unable to sit down, and he actually punched me a few times. My mother was more verbal, when I had done something wrong she made me feel horribly guilty for more than just the particular thing I had done to upset her. I was told countless times that I was a mistake, that being raped at age 12 was my fault, "You're a whore and you asked for it" was what she told me. As a teenager I lived at friends houses more often than my parents, and I got into drugs which I managed to get out of. I was in counseling constantly which left me feeling worse because I had to attend with my parents, who would deny any wrongdoing of theirs and exaggerate anything I did. For instance, if I slammed a door, they would tell my doctor that I trashed the house.

Now onto the present. I am engaged and living with my fiance. His ex wife committed suicide a year ago, and he never really dealt with the grief, just started drinking and taking perks. I drank with him, quite heavily for a while until we made the decision to quit because thats when our biggest fights would occur. We never really fought before we started drinking everyday. However the fights are continuing. They're not every day anymore, but they are still happening. I have a short temper, so if he says something or does something that pisses me off, I have great difficulty being rational. It starts with me giving him the cold shoulder, or being short, and evolves. He will ask me whats wrong, and when I tell him, he defends himself, saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing, which makes me angrier because I feel I am not being listened to. So we keep snipping at each other until I get really mad, which is usually when I try to walk away. I have told him that when I get angry, I need that cool down period. I am incapable of being rational when I am angry. Sometimes he respects this, but sometimes I may have said something hurtful, or he just isnt ready to end the "discussion". If I cannot get that cooldown period, I lose it. I start yelling and screaming, slamming doors, occasionally throwing things. I get very mean and hurtful which leads him to do the same. A few times it has ended in me leaving for a few days. We love each other very much, and the thing is, our arguments are never over anything serious. It seems something just snaps inside me, where other people would be mildly irritated, I am in a rage. I try to stop it, I try to focus and calm down, but I can't. I need advice for this. I tried journalling to track what was triggering these explosions, but at one point I had got so angry and felt that everyone was against me that I wrote a suicide letter in it. Since then it has gone missing, we can't find it anywhere which leads me to believe one of his family members who is aware of the situation has taken it. If anyone has some tips on how I could control this, I would appreciate it. I feel my anger is destroying our relationship and I have to stop it.jennifer2604Consumer 0