Please help me.

by Quiche17 » Wed May 25, 2011 3:13 am

I really wanted to get advice for this as it is something I have never told anyone. I am 19, a college student and I have always been kind of sensitive. In grade 7 was when I went through my horrible angry phase. I was the most horrible child because I was frustrated and I didn't have a way to let it out nor anyone to talk to. Then in grade 8 I had a teacher I absolutely hated. Everyday I would fantasize about killing him when he made me angry (I was angry at the sight of him). I remember wishing and telling him that I hoped he died a slow and painful death and that if he was in a pool of blood dying in front of me I would laugh. ( I would hiss this at him all the time). When i was angry I would draw pictures so my school on fire and with red ink only write words on a piece of paper. (They would consist of die, kill, hate, ###$) I would sit there in a trance and just write these angry words. I once drew a picture of my teachers head as a balloon and me walking towards him with a nail going to pop him. I am an average healthy female with lots of friends and love, but I do not know if this is normal. I no longer write angry words but I do write my feelings when I am angry or feeling any emotion because I have not learned to express myself. The reason this is still a problem is because I still feel like killing people when I get angry or frustrated. When i say killing people I mean that I will sit there and think about how I want to rip someones vocal chords out or how I want to cut their limbs off one at a time. I just think of whatever comes to my mind and this uncontrollable force just takes over and all I can think about is how badly I want this person dead and how I would do this. The thing is I get like this all the time as little things trigger me. I have an oral fixation so anytime someone eats around me, whistles, slurps (really makes any sound with their mouth) this feeling of wanting to gauge their eyes out comes over me and I begin to shake as I just cannot handle it. (This is far less in social situations as I have lots of different sounds around me to focus on) This is worst with my family, especially my mother. Any and everything she does makes me think about killing her. Even if she asks me too many questions or just if i am not in the mood or really I find everything about her annoys me and makes me have these horrible thoughts as well as snapping at her. I sit in my room crying at night because I feel so horrible for the way I treat her, but I do not know how to make this stop. I go away for school 5 hours and come home every couple of months but when I am here I spend as little time possible with her. (I probably see her once a day and spend about 5 minutes with her). I feel like a horrible daughter but I physically cannot stand being around her as she will just make me angry and want to kill her and I will then feel horribly guilty for treating her like this. She doesn't know about any of this and I do not know how to nor like talking about my feelings. Please help in anyway you can because I do not want this to happen anymore and I just want to be normal and have my mom know I love her. I am scared that she thinks that I hate her and that makes me cry even just sitting here writing this.

What should I do?Quiche17Consumer 0