My approach to a particular nationality of people...

by bigbeing » Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:44 am

Hi all,

I'm new here. I'm not really sure if I have an anger management issue or not, but just want to describe my situation.

I don't want to name the nationality specifically, except to say that it is a very large and up-and-coming nationality both economically and in terms of global influence. One reason I don't want to name the nationality is that I'm a newbie and don't want to break any forum rules that I'm unaware of.

I've been studying language X for quite a few years. My wife speaks the language and we speak language X to our son.

I often have a problem with members of that nationality basically doing three things:

1) Speaking to me in English, instead of language X.

2) Flattering me regarding my ability to speak language X.

3) Speculating or asking how I learned language X.

4) Referring to me as a "foreigner", even though the conversation takes place online or in my home country.

Part of the problem, specifically regarding point 4, is that I can't continue a friendship of any kind with a person who refers to me as a foreigner. This particularly includes other Westerners (i.e. like me) who stick up for the usage of the term. I get so angry with them and regard them as race-traitors in a sense.

Things came to a head slightly at Church the other day. My family and I usually go to an English speaking Church, but decided to go to a language X Church for a change, to see if it was time for a change. The first week went past with a few predictable minor incidents, like being spoken to in English, and flattered, etc.

Please understand that everyone who goes to that Church speaks language X, and it's only because of my skin colour that I'm treated any different. I want my treatment there, and everywhere else in a language X community to be the same, not special or different.

Anyhow, the second Sunday came. My wife took my son to Sunday school out the back, so I was alone. I was greeted in English because of my white face. I said (in language X) "Oh, come on! If I had wanted to speak English I would have gone to an English service! Please speak to me in language X!". Their reaction was "OK, OK, you speak very good language X." Meanwhile, there were arms flying everywhere trying to give me welcoming handshakes that I didn't want, because I already felt very annoyed.

They were so busy congratulating me and I was so busy trying to escape, that I didn't get the Church bulletin or anything.

I sat down in a spot that I thought would be nice and inconspicuous. Some people came over and pointed out to each other before sitting down that I preferred to speak language X. They saw themselves as my welcomers and sought to accompany me by sitting next to me. The first guy sat down and said, in English "Hi, how are you?" I said "Don't speak to me in English." He gave up trying and was replaced by another guy who sat next to me and said (in language X) "Why can you speak such good language X?" I said (in language X) "I'm here to worship, please I don't want to discuss my abilities." I turned and looked straight ahead. I could see out of the corner of my eyes that he was staring at me. He continued staring for another 30 seconds. He then said (in language X) "How long have you been studying language X?" I said "I'm here to worship, please I don't want to discuss my abilities."

I didn't actually have an anger outburst, but I felt angry and couldn't sleep. After midnight I went for a walk and called the minister at an hour I felt would be inconvenient for him. I told him (in language X) that I wouldn't be returning to his Church and gave him a fairly lengthy dialogue similar to my explanation above. He was very patient and calm in his responses.

I'm not really sure how to proceed with this whole problem. My anger is very real. But other than an inconvenient phone call here and there I'm not prone to huge outbursts. My wife thinks I'm over the top on this issue and doesn't like discussing it. I also feel that the stupidity and backwardness of these people is quite real too. This is one of many, many stories I could have put here. If they join an English-speaking club, group or Church they would usually be able to fit in without people carrying on about their background excessively. The unfairness of the whole thing just boggles my mind and makes me feel that the values of the whole world are upside down. On the other hand, I'm the common denominator of all these problems and need to take responsibility, reassess my priorities and/or learn to have a more forgiving attitude.

I'm very much a "big carrot and big stick" person. If I perceive someone as doing the right thing, I'll go out of my way to be friendly to him/her and accommodate them. If I think someone has done the wrong thing I burn with anger and lose sleep. I find I can't understand people who aren't "big carrot and big stick" people, who aren't given to overly attentive politeness and also don't get angry about perceived wrongs.

Sorry for being so wordy. If you read this (& especially if you constructively comment) you have my sincere thanks.Last edited by bigbeing on Thu Apr 07, 2011 10:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.bigbeingConsumer 0