I'm terrified of myself

by Bunnycuddles » Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:40 pm

Hello. I am new to this forum. I have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, Tourette syndrome and Borderline personality disorder. I often suffer explosive anger outbursts, however over the past year, I have been getting better at not reacting to every little provocation.

I live in a care home and it is very disorganized. This week, just about everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I went to see a play at a circus tent and my tics got loud. Every single person in the tent was staring, pointing and laughing at me like I was the show. I wanted to curl up and die (not literally die but you know what I mean...). A few members of staff keep promising me things like, 'Don't worry I promise you will have a car to take you to _____'. Every single time since thursday this has been a lie because the car is not there when I need it. One of the days they decided not to tell me that we were getting a taxi with a DIFFERENT member of staff until 2 minutes before we were due to leave. I have Aspergers. I hate change. What were they thinking? I screamed but I stayed pretty calm.

Then a member of staff who I and one of my housemates have been having some issues with for a while decided to rile me up by saying that ALL the staff from my house are going to be moved to the house next door. She also tried to break up my friendship by saying that he is behaving the way he is deliberately to ruin things for me. He isn't. He is actually VERY unwell with depression and anxiety. I tried to ignore what she said but now she's made me paranoid.

Then I had arranged to visit my Mum in Milton Keynes. I walked the 30 minute walk to the bus stop (we live in a village in the middle of nowhere) but there had been a serious accident on the black cat roundabout. After an hour and a half waiting, I gave up and returned home. They had no cars and I was okay with it because it was not anyone's fault. I arranged to meet my mum the following day.

The following day the bus was 20 minutes late already when I realised I didn't have either of my mobile phones with me. I ran back to the house (up the REALLY long road) and by the time I had got home I was screaming and having a panic attack. I begged the staff that if there was a car there, could they please get me to the bus stop. The staff was told there wasn't a car there. This is when I got angry. I rang up and the staff said 'there is no car' but she was blatently lying (If I can tell someone's lying then it is pretty damned obvious). I asked where the cars were and she said one was out on a day trip, which I knew about, but the other had gone to take someone for a cup of coffee in the local town. I asked if they could bring it back to get me to the bus stop but she laughed at me. I got REALLY angry, smashed up my room then ran next door. I found a branch and started to hit myself with it as I went around. I found out that the car WAS still there, it hadn't even left.

What happened next I regret. I assulted the laughing member of staff with the stick (which was thankfully rotten and didn't do much damage) and pulled her hair. When she got angry with me I stormed out into the car park, snapped the windsheild wiper off the back of the car and smashed both the mirrors in. I thought 'If I can't go anywhere neither can anyone else'. I went back to the house, grabbed my things and went back to wait for the bus for a further hour and a half in the freezing cold.

I would like to point out that I don't blame my conditions for the way I behaved, however they didn't help. My psychologist was as 'helpful' as ever (sarcasm) by suggesting that I DO know how to control my anger, I am just choosing not to. If I had been given a choice in the matter I definately wouldn't have done what I did. I just need some help to learn how to deal with this build up of things. I described it to my psychologist like I am a bottle getting filled bit by bit with fizz. Every event puts more and more fizz into me until I explode. He told me I was talking like a 6 year old. Thanks psychologist. I like you too... (more sarcasm).

Does anyone have ANY coping strategies because my psycho-git sure as heck doesn't give me any.BunnycuddlesConsumer 0