Guilt and Forgiveness

by daya » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:53 pm

I have been angry for along time always yelling getting mad over everything. No physical anger but getting mad all the time at my children is just as bad. I was in a mentally abusive relationship, drugs, adulterly, controlling by my ex. I felt like nothing and the only thing I had to keep from going nuts is my sadness and anger. I was also abused as a child and my mother was a very manipulative and controlling person. My father tolerated that he told me he would never find a faithful woman like my mother. I became the same person I was determined I never be. I can't blame anyone but myself because you have a choice as an adult you can't blame your parents anymore. Well I finally distance myself from the abuse but as far as forgiveness that is something that I don't think I will ever achieve. Whenever I get in an argument or get mad at anything I wonder am I turning into what I was before. I can't get mad at anything now because my previous behavior is always brought up. I kind of distance myself from my family. Its a breath of fresh air to be around people that see you with a clean slate.
Its easier to want to be a better person when your around positive. I can say I am sorry forever and I can't take away their pain and anger at me. I wanted to be everything to everyone. That perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect employee. I became nothing to no one. My penance is that i will never be seen as nothing else but an angry woman no matter what I do. I hate to keep distance from my daughter because when I am around her I have to agree with her on everything the moment I don't I am the angry person. I like to be around new people because I can be the person I should have been. Does anyone understand what I am going through.dayaConsumer 0